Redemption. Sorrow.

is there any love left, if we discard the useless kindness. out of it

i want to hear it, and i want to say that i want

still, maybe this ain't what my dream looked like

i've been living under the cress

i assumed it to be romance, but it is only redemption and compromise everywhere

i grabbed you and begged you to allow me to bring you happiness, so it could cover the shades i burnt long time ago

you allowed my cry, but from now on, it is only going to be unbearable if it ain't your true heart

so i know i'm going to be left, all alone in the agony of how i used to treat you – the sins. desperation. the sins. all come back to myself

i know i deserve it

i knew,

i have always known

why can't love ever be simple?

when can i stop being stupid about the truth i'm avoiding all the time?

it's still the journey to the never-ending happiness i'm never going to get

and all i've been doing is to hurt other people and myself

deep, hurt, deep, harsh, again.

why am i still alive then?

what have i done to deserve this endless yearning of nothing?

on the edge, let me fall, please.

elevate me out of this –

let my bodies be crushed

let my mind be shattered to none

i was proud to declare solidarity

but not when it now comes back onto you

by "i am happy to be alone since there's no hope of anyone caring about it" –

thus i apologize for my mistake, and you apologize for being selfish and not considerate

please, i don't want to hear yours if i can't be forgiven

so we can go back to our starting point – being friends. Friends

after all of this. you know.

it's never going to be that simple again

tell me, am i too late?

the tree is fighting to stay in its shape

run to the shade. hide itself in the soil dry.

no fruits, yet it bears no death either

standing. frozen. motionless. fierce.

my hundred words can only make you speak one word of truth

it does become like that

now you must be making the greatest joke, as you speak, with innocence and sincerity and earnestness,

"let's be good"

i'm laughing so hard that i can only bump my head in my bed every night, crying, screaming, as nobody hears, as my cat confusedly watches, finally tired, holding on to the pillow, tears, regrets, not letting go, can't let go

my eyes don't work anymore

i'm afraid of those lights, dispersing my dreams in dark

it's the same joke i have become – the same night i step down from the king, i'm back to where i become jealous of these love affairs or so

at least they are still human.

i must be that talented – every worst imagination and fear become true, being rewritten to the real life

perhaps, sometimes in the future

this writer lives in my body could spit out a story of him being happy in this reality

but he refuses to do so

it's not coming out even when i force him

so –

the sorrow goes on,

sorrow. sorrow.

i'm so sorry for my sorrows.

but they rain on.

now who's striking that thunder?